She'll be 18 in a month and able to vote! Passing on the baton of democracy..a simple joy or is it?

My daughter will be 18 in a month. I can't believe it. One of the things that I've thought about is that this will be her first Presidential election to vote in. What an exciting time for her. I've seen her grow into ideas and thoughts that she has become passionate about. I remember feeling many similar feelings when I was her age. Taking on beliefs and stances when I was her age with a passion. A passion I miss in myself sometimes. Once I grew (still growing), spread my wings, saw life from different perspectives that only life can teach you sometimes, I became wary of where I stood indefinitely. I see a lot more grey now than ever before. I was the girl that sat in her car with a friend in my youth and basically shouted to the rooftops that Hillary Clinton was really the President and Bill was just the man that got to sit in the chair, well, because, he is a man. I've also rallied for pro-life causes until life opened my eyes to some things I wish I hadn't seen, hadn't known about, etc. that made that area much greyer than how I used to see it. I'm not the battle cry kind for pro-choice, in fact I lean way more towards the pro-life side, but my passion lies in the human condition more than anything. Also, a God that I don't understand the way I thought I used to, the God I was so sure about, has also in fact become greyer to me than the certainties the Sunday School classes of my youth had taught me. He's greyer but I feel closer if that makes any sense.

There was a time I knew exactly where I stood on questions of moral choices, who I felt God was, my faith, my convictions so to say. I think the big difference now is that I've understood the power of grace. Grace I learned from a God I don't fully understand and I don't think I'm supposed to. The bible has become a beautiful book, a confusing book, a book written by man but inspired by God, and a book of incomprehension to me at times. To be honest, I failed Old Testament class in college, well D for passing. I think it was all the Begat, Begot, and Beafraid, that got me. I aced New testament though. Anyway, point being, talk about some soul searching in the Old testament. A God portrayed in some ways we don't like to talk about. We want to talk about the good God and how wonderful he makes everything. You want some meat and potatoes, read the Old Testament. I'm thankful for biblical scholars that can shed some light in those areas because I surely can't.

I see death day in and day out. I've seen babies before their birth into the world. Babies that didn't have a chance to feel the embrace of a mother's arms. Then I go to funerals where it's all about God had a reason for this and plans our lives and uses us for this and that. I have to be honest, I don't know how I feel about that anymore. I asked someone how they dealt with the whole baby dying and how he tries to make sense of God after seeing something like that? Oh and forget it, when there are children of any age that funerals have to be planned for, I'm spiritually just drained, the good God goes out the window for me. My friend said, "I believe we have a conception date and a death date." Gave me some thought, not much comfort, but thought. In His Hands...that's the only sense it makes to me. Good or bad...that's where I have to put it because my limited mind cannot relate. I think that's why I find my escape in humor. It's just too much to carry the burden of grim reaper all the time. I'm sure others can relate that are in stressful jobs. There has to be a healthy outlet in order to maintain the sanity and sensitivity our professions require of us.

Where does this leave me? I yearn for the simple times when I was so sure of it all. I'm thankful for the times that has forced me to reflect on something more intricate, fragile, strong, and more meaningful about our souls. While I wish I knew exactly what box to check when I vote, I also feel there should be a box that simply states, "Vote for the guy/gal that likes elephants and donkeys." In other words, I think it's time for a Labrador party. Ok, joking aside, I'd rather vote for someone that has room for growth. While my daughter will do her research and vote for where she stands in the place she is now, I will do the same. We are all in different places. At one time I was seriously hoping Ralph Nader stood a chance. I think he's a brilliant man with the charm of an ice cube but, I think he has some good ideas. My husband begs to differ. That's the nice thing about our family, we don't always see the same way and that's ok.

I'm excited to see my daughter spread her wings, learn to fly...soar, and pay her own bills ;) There's an energy there that is so hopeful. A spark that can light roman candles all around her. I hope she never loses that spark, even if she becomes a lantern...the light of wisdom along the way.

"What would you do if I sang out of tune..would you stand up and walk out on me?"

It's almost become a broken record.  I sit down with a family to go over funeral arrangements and the following words go like this, "Mom, didn't even know who I was anymore. She hasn't for years."  I'm talking about Alzheimer's. While commonly referred to as the "Old persons disease," trust me, it can be the whole family's disease.  It's a quiet disease, one not given the publicity or urgency to find a cure for probably because well, let's face it, when someone has "lived out their life...well, it's just their time."  I am going to beg to differ.  What do people talk about most at funerals? Besides Jesus, it's the memories of our loved one. "We're really a composite of our life experiences-memory layered upon memory and Alzheimer's steals that away."-Meryl Comer.   The person with Alzheimer's has been robbed of those memories.  It's the hope in heaven that we can only resolve ourselves to think that someone is free finally from the prison of not knowing you were ever let's say the President of the U.S., ex. Ronald Reagan.
We are accustomed to throwing away the "old."  The old is someone's mom, dad, sister, friend, etc. They are someone's Memory! It is not ok to be dismissive about Alzheimer's because well "they're going to die soon anyway." People around them that love them die a little too.  Kids and grandkids go to visit their loved ones only to be unrecognized by the hands that used to rock them to sleep.  That could be any one of us. The following is from the  http://www.alzfdn.org/ website:

It is estimated that about a half million Americans younger than age 65 have some form of dementia, including Alzheimer's disease. (This is referred to as young onset or early onset.)

It is estimated that one to four family members act as caregivers for each individual with Alzheimer's disease

This has been something that has been on my heart. Worth a share...worth awareness. Let's not forget about Alzheimer's.

I'm reminded of a Joe Cocker song:

What Would You Do If I Sang Out Of Tune
Would You Stand Up And Walk Out On Me
Lend Me Your Ears And I'll Sing You A Song
I Will Try Not To Sing Out Of Key
Said I'm gonna make it with my friends, I will
(try with a little help from my friends)

Pray for a caregiver of a loved one with Alzheimer's today...pamper them with a little something, a gift card to a restaurant, a pedicure...a nice card, even flowers.  Better yet, take them to lunch and just listen even if it's not about what they are going through.  Sometimes, a breath of fresh air just to get out and feel normal and not guilty for taking care of themselves is enough.  Caregivers are often the silent victims of this disease. Loyalty and duty come with the territory but a caregiver needs recharges also and support.

This week in Christmas, Ho Ho to the HO HO HO!

The tree is up...has been for a week and I still haven't put any decorations on it.  I have Santa hats on my dining chairs but my tablecloth still screams Happy Thanksgiving!.  Bronchitis, croup, dental fillings, pharmacy phone tag, and a partridge  in a pear tree called health insurance has made a week off from work quite not what I had thought it was going to be.
I'm planning on taking my daughter to a funeral for a childhood friend.  The whole thing just makes me sad and mad. Parents shouldn't be allowed to go through the worst hell on earth like that.  Oh, I've had lots of talks with God about things like that.  I see a lot of stuff that makes me just go, Ugh...really, God? Really!? I heard a sermon the other day about being cynical in our faith and I have to admit there are times I go there.  I can be cynical. There are days I just throw my hands up in the air and just say, "Ya know, God is God...I am done trying to make sense of the Man!" Isn't that what He told Moses anyway, he said, "I Am Who I Am." Ok, well, that still doesn't answer the question, is what I want to say but guess what..."I Am Who I Am" has to be good enough.
I used to think that when we died we'd know all the answers to everything.  I don't know if that's true anymore. Honestly, there are things I'd rather not know and if God's will is on earth as it is in Heaven then I'm not really sure we are meant to ever know all the answers. If heaven is what it's claimed to be...I don't think we'll care, really.
So, where does this leave me.  Thankful I got a fake poinsettia at Bunco the other night, that's for sure!  With the rate I'm getting the Christmas thing going a real poinsettia would not have stood a chance in this house.  Makes me want to go ahead and fill out the survey for the pizza place for a free Crazy Bread, not stress over not finding Rudolph stamps, stay in my pajamas even if I go to Wal-Mart today, leave Santa milk and tofu instead of cookies because I'm still bitter I never got a pink Barbie car for Christmas (Barbie had to ride on top of the Little People School Bus to pick up her friends for crying out loud!), and I hope that my silverware from last year that was packed in a box during the move will finally pop up in the Christmas decorations box! Oh, and if anyone has hidden my Feliz Navidad singing Chihuaha as they have in years past...well, guess what...I'm not in the mood. We are having a Feliz Navidad with the chihuaha or there's no Christmas at all. Good Day!

Freshly Squeezed

Awhile back I was walking toward my car and caught a glimpse of stacked boxes once filled with oranges.  They were used for the freshly squeezed orange juice they had on their menu.  Freshly squeezed, now there's a blog post, I thought.  I began to think about how day in and day out there are little things that just make me feel that kind of tension. The tension of having to just squeeze out a little bit more of the good stuff out of me when I feel like I'm down to my last drop. It's so much better to handle being squeezed when I'm refreshed!
Everything from not forgetting the lunch money for the kids, washing underwear because everyone's about out, forgetting my dog at the groomers (yes, it's happened) not because I wanted to but because life just gets so busy and chaotic sometimes that I plain just get swept away in the details of something else that I forget to look at my watch.  Thankfully, my dog groomer was forgiving and waited after closing time for me to pick up my beloved fluffy old man of a dog. 
Sometimes I work 8 days straight without a day off, I have to get up in the middle of the night and go to someone's house because their loved one has passed away...then get up and still be at work at eight o'clock the next morning in ironed clothes and combed hair.  Sometimes, I cry along with the families....watching a mother bury her child or a spouse that has lost their best friend for over 50 years and now they are just lost without them, going to a hospital to pick up an infant while others are rejoicing over their blessed births, seeing lives being taken by cancer, Alzheimer's, Lou Gehrig's, special needs, drug overdoses, car accidents, suicides, the list goes on and on...well this can all just weigh a little bit. I love my job...don't get me wrong...I love serving families and friends...but I have found that I can only be my best when I am freshly squeezed. This goes for my personal life as well.  I'm a better mom and wife if I just can get a little break every now and then. 
What does this mean for me? This means...having a sense of humor.  Most of you that know me know that my sense of humor is a little nuts so to speak...it's a great escape though.  This means...taking a few days off and just doing a few things for myself in conjunction with the catching up with the things I need to get done in my personal life...hence finally catching up on the laundry and bathing the dog. This means loving on my family and friends.  A great night of bunco always helps or even lunch with a friend!  A great night at the movies with you and your teenage daughter laughing at all the parts that are supposed to be serious helps.  A call from my sisters telling me about their daily adventures, drinking coffee, planning a little getaway, and reading a good book...these are things that always help me.
So, when it comes time to face the challenges of work and life...I feel like I'm able to be freshly squeezed. The people I love and serve are able to get the good stuff down to my last drop. Have you taken some time out of the craziness of your life to re-energize yourself, refresh yourself, and regroup yourself in order to be freshly squeezed?  Don't forget to do so.  I think we're all a little more tolerable and more valuable when we do. That's why freshly squeezed is a little higher than the concentrate. You're worth it.

Mel's Random Christmas Thoughts

Mel's Random Christmas Thoughts:

Shopping for teenagers...Ugh...just throw cash in the air Christmas morning and have them catch and run with it to the nearest shopping mall.

Pokémon cards are really not that easy to find.

I wish we could all get the feeling of "If I don't get so and so something for Christmas" they'll hate me out of our thinking.  Do for the kids only...I say. Everyone else over 18...get a job and get your own gifts. Christmas shouldn't be about obligation. If you have crossed that bridge of no guilt Christmas gift giving...Congrats!  (This excludes charitable giving to adults and children)

Inflatable Nativity Scenes....I'm trying to like this...not quite there...but hey...I'm keeping an open mind.  It's better than the plumbing company I saw display a Santa Sleigh made out of painted brown toilets with decorated reindeer antlers. No lie...so help me sometimes I click my heels to go to Kansas....for moments like that.

New Christmas Carols would be nice.  Renditions of the Oh' Holy Night over and over again...c'mon...surely someone can write a good memorable Christmas song these days.  Why doesn't anyone?  No one roasts chestnuts anymore. Rudolph should have automatic lights by now. Clap on clap off...Go Rudolph! I mean really. 

Quit making Santa skinny!! He's fine just the way he is.

Tinsel..I've never used it.  Apparently, it's something cats like and it makes the litter box festive.

Know that it's ok to miss your loved ones at Christmas.  Pretending to be happy can be so draining.  Do what you have to do and don't feel guilty about it.  Enjoy the season in spurts if you have to. There is no right or wrong way to do the Holidays.

Jesus...I think about his mom, Mary, this time of year. I know...technically it's not really his birthday and all...but I can't help but really wonder about her sometimes.  I would love to know what raising him was like. Did he have colic...did he get sick and she was there for him...was he a little rebellious as a kid...? Did she keep a diary? 

I may not be a perfectionist at Christmas...I don't do the elf on the shelf (although, I think I'd have way too much fun with it).  I don't wrap presents...I stuff them in bags with tissue paper...I decorate half purposeful...online shopping is my saving grace....making cookies for Santa...comes out of the Oreo's box nowadays...and I've lost count on how many days til Christmas it is.  One thing I do know is that I still love this time of year.  Friends, family, love, and peace on earth (even if it's wishful thinking)...and a gift wrapped in swaddling clothes...who was later wrapped in a seamless robe upon the cross...that's what it means to me.  Whatever it means to you...so be it...have a Blessed Holiday! A little Peace and Joy doesn't hurt anyone. 

Peace and prayers to Christians in countries that aren't allowed to even speak of Christ.

Second Place Joy

I hear frequent eulogies.  Most recently I heard one that finally put a phrase into the kind of joy that is difficult to really describe without it sounding like someone is a push over. We live day in and day out in a competitive world. Those that sit back and watch and cheer from the sidelines are often not given the credit they deserve. What if some people define success entirely differently? What if simplicity and soul comfort are really the only things someone desires to be happy? What if the happiness of others is really something that brings joy to someone? How do you describe these people?  They or we are the people of "second place joy." 

Second place joy! That's it..."The Wind Beneath My Wings" description. 
We may not all be too far from that.  Outside of goals and achievements from ourselves we all have a second place joy. Think about it:

You watch your child achieve more than you could ever have. (it makes you happy)
You give to the needy (it makes you happy)
You root for the underdog...and they win (it makes you happy)
You give when you don't have much really to give (it makes you happy)
You support someone else's dream (it makes you happy)
You sacrifice your own wants for someone else's (it makes you happy)

Fill in the blank....when we put others before ourselves and it makes us happy....second place joy. I like it.  Second place let's you win. There's the joy.

Reese's, A Fishing Rod, Grace, and Namaste....These are a A Few of my Funeral Things

I recently had a friend tell me I should journal about my funeral directing journey. I have often thought about this because I mostly want to do it for my kids...so they can have some sort of idea of what their mother was like or did outside of the laundry someday ;)  Without ever trespassing on any one's privacy I would love to share with them things that really teach me more about living than about death in this business.  Here are just a few examples I have so far.
I once had a lady come in before her father's funeral and express to me how important it was that a Folger's bucket that held her daddy's fishing poles be displayed during the service. It was important to the grand kids as they had just gone fishing with their grandpa the week before his passing and I thought it was just a lovely gesture. There was a fishing tackle box with his picture on it also and I have to hand it to talented, amazing florists for making an easel of flowers that had mini fishing rods attached to it. Fishing with grandpa became a memory but oh, what a Fish story of love that ended up being.
Then there was a whole flight squadron that came in their uniforms to the funeral for a young son of one of their own.  I lost my composure a little bit....I'm telling you it was hard to hold back the tears.  Every man and woman in their neatly pressed uniforms and polished shoes. Such a feeling of respect and admiration could not help but be felt that day and what a beautiful expression of support for the family that was.
Then there was the graveside service for a lady who always had soda pop handy in her fridge when company came over to visit because that's what people used to do you see....we used to visit...not text...and we had soda pops.  I mention her because her son had a violin player play "Amazing Grace".  It was the most beautiful "Amazing Grace" I have ever heard. It was played on a drizzly overcast morning at the graveside and I felt surely this woman had arrived safely to her resting place and I couldn't help but feel like she was having a soda pop with her Creator...just visiting.
Recently, as I walked into a chapel there was a bowl of Reese's peanut butter cups set out by a family,  tempting the chocolate addict in me.  I thought that if we don't get this service going soon I'm going to eat that whole bowl of peanut butter cups, try to explain it to the family, and then get fired all in the name of chocolate!  Their mother/grandmother had a favorite candy and they never saw her without them. She loved Reese's cups and so they thought it would be a great gesture to offer them to people who came into the service in her honor.  I thought it was precious...devilishly tempting...but just precious.
I did have a blessed opportunity to attend a Buddhist service.  I just share this because I love the diversity I get to be involved with in what I do. I say diversity but, we all have the same emotions.   My embalming instructor in school was Buddhist...and I always really enjoyed our discussions.  See, it took someone different from me to teach me a little something about what I love.  So, I end with this quote, "It is better to spend one day contemplating the birth and death of all things than a hundred years never contemplating beginning and ending." Buddha
Go fishing with your Grandpa....make an honorable military gesture...have a day where you eat nothing but chocolate and don't feel guilty about it....feel "Amazing Grace"  throughout your life and Namaste!!

When the Begats and the Whydats are Wearisome

Sometimes, I get frustrated reading the Bible.  Recently, I had a moment where I just had to close the book and have a talk (prayer) with the Lord.  In my reflection I expressed that I had trouble with a lot of the begats, whodats, what'sthat, how'sthat, whichdats, and whydats, of the Bible.  Sometimes, I don't know where to start or stop. Ok, that happens all the time. When I find something I like I later learn that based on someone's interpretation that it was actually a letter to so and so and not really written to me.  I finally decided to get to basics.  Basic...I'm born naked...without any mode of survival other than what those around me give me and nurture me with.  The bible I learned in the Sunday School of my youth is an entirely different one that I learned from the studies of my adulthood.  I had to take the Old Testament and New Testament classes in college....made a D for passing in Old and a B in New. Ask me to name all the books of the bible in order....I can't do it....ask me where to find a lot of biblical stories....can't do it.  I can tell you John 3:16-17 and quote many others without the chapter and the verse.  Ask me why the bible says what it does and why many characters seem really nutty....I can't tell you.  All I know is before I was old enough to realize that the bible actually had a historical depth to it as to writers of the books and the reasons behind it, Ms. Pearl, my bus driver to elementary school in Houston, TX picked me up one morning...she gave me a book that was the Lord's Prayer....and I would get a pickle if I could recite it or for good behavior.  I can tell you that before my mother, Alma, died she would go to dialysis treatments full of doubt in God and if it weren't for a lady that took care of her at that treatment center and prayed with her and gave her comfort, she would have lost the strength of faith and hope.  I can tell you that there are people that I run into that don't overthink what the bible says...they feel it...they know that their relationship with God is real because it is inherent within them.  Many times they are better equipped spiritually than the one that overthinks the context of the bible.  Prove to me that the love we feel for other people in our lives is strictly based on science, that appreciation for art, nature, music,whatever, is strictly moving something other than the soul then I really don't have much defense when it comes to spirituality. I don't need a scripture to throw in someone's face to prove otherwise. We all have our own spiritual journey.  I am at peace with not knowing all the answers and with taking a break away from the details that get in the way of a relationship with God.  It is my belief that at the hour of my death....there will not be a grumpy old troll asking me to quote scripture beyond my comprehension in order to pass through the pearly gates.  In fact, I don't know what will happen but then to paraphrase someone, "I don't remember being anxious or knowing what happened at birth."  Whatever your journey with your soul...in depth or not...be kind to yourself...don't let arrogance get in the way of having to have the answers you want and don't feel you have to constantly prove yourself or your existence.  Be you and most importantly...Be love.

Weddings, Abilene, Hair, and Politics

Sometimes, I have all these random thoughts that I just can't narrow it down to just one topic to write about in a blog so, the following has no flow or rhyme and reason...just some thoughts I've pondered on recently.

Excited about my sister's wedding.  I love weddings.  I cry at them...judge the bridesmaids attire ;), love the cakes, the flowers, and most importantly the exchanging of vows. It's in that one moment when vows are exchanged that makes me fall in love with true love all over again, a promise to one another that to seek the best for each other is worth a sacrifice of self.  In the vows...there is no.."Your job is to make me happy...buy me a yacht or win the lottery....you better put your own clothes away....look like you did when you were 20 for the rest of your life....serve me or else." In fact, it is just the opposite...vows that express a desire to give the other one love in the good and bad times...in the grey hair days, bald head days, and better than Donald Trump hair days.  It's not about where the world has gone wrong with these vows....I'm not an expert in marriage...still trying to figure the whole thing out. I have no say in how people should live their lives as a married couple...whatever. I just simply like the vows exchanged at weddings that are truly an expression of what love is meant to be about.  The way we preach day in and day out about how we want social justices in the world etc. Unconditional...dragged through the poop and swimming in the crystal clear oceans kind of love.

I love Abilene!  I was driving down Buffalo Gap Rd. the other night in the rain.  A rare time when there was no one on the road but me.  I never thought I'd come back here and in fact it was never a goal to come back.  I remember when I was young I told my Dad, "I can't wait to move to a big city and get out of this town."  My Dad took offense and rightly so.  Driving down the road that night I felt this huge burden lifted off of my shoulders that I'd been carrying around for awhile and didn't even realize it.  It's where I need to be in this season of my life for sure.

Getting my hair done has been an experience in this town.  I decided at the end of the day to try the local beauty school.  The students need the practice and I guess I was brave and cheap.  While my hair turned out fine....the last thing you ever want to hear while your hair is covered in gunk is, " Oh my God...I am so sorry."  I turned pale but in the end...it was a very minor timing issue and not one that would have ruined my hair. Thank you Lord!!

People's political devotions and intolerances are getting on my nerves.  I  am not perfect and I know I have posted my share of different opinions but when people cannot tolerate each other's differences especially after they go on and on about their own...it just irks me.  So, fine...say what you want about not preaching God whatever but then the next social media post or language has to do with political indoctrination. In my opinion...religion and politics hate each other because they are exactly alike.

Well, blogs aren't supposed to be novels so I'll save more of my thoughts for another day.

"Houston Means I'm One Step Closer to You"

Dear Houston,
     The first memory I have of you was Peppermint Park.  It was such a treat to get to go there when I was little.  AstroWorld...cable cars where you would ride across the park and look down on it thinking you were on top of the world.  The Houston Zoo....gorillas...lion water fountains...and later, overnight camps with my kid.  Astrodome and the Houston Oilers...I still remember my dad singing "Houston Oilers Number One" as we left the stadium when I was about 7.  Charlie's Hamburger Joint.  To this day I can't find another hamburger that was ever as good as Charlie's.  Skyscrapers...beautiful skyline....and can't forget Foley's...the downtown Foley's was a special treat to go to around Christmas when I was a kid.  Underground tunnel with shops and food.  Pine trees....oh how I love Pine trees,pine needles, and pine cones.  Cultural diversity....religious diversity.  The Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo (George Strait would sell out every time).  Galveston...I always felt like I needed 10 showers after going there but the fun day trips including seagull thieves of picnic foods was all worth it.  The Medical Center....the mecca of knowledge and research...and hope.  Magnolia trees...highways...long twisty very high highways.  Rich people....and very poor people.  The Galleria...ice skating...shopping splendor.  Harwin street...knock-off shopping splendor.  Trader's Village...for the flea in all of us.  Tex Mex food....mmm....mmm.  Real Chinese food...ok...all the food that's as diverse and as good as you can imagine.  Theatre District....Museum District...Nasa...where Space Travel once was magical.  Friends...
Houston...you and I became dear dear friends.  I laughed a lot and I definitely cried a lot in your care.  I will miss you and I have to come visit you because you will always be my Heart Home.  I'm trading you in for the wide open spaces of West Texas where the stars are bigger than Big Tex's Cowboy Hat at the State Fair and the smell of cow patties after a good rain is actually something that smells of good country living.  I'll think of you often as my husband will carry on about the Astros and I'll just hope he gets disgruntled about them enough to pack up the car and head to an Astros game one weekend.  Love ya Houston!! Thank you...thank you so much for what I've gained while I've been here.  Twenty years total...that's a greeting card mention.  Maybe at least song worthy.

"Houston Means I'm One Step Closer to You..."

Where's Superman?

This Boston Marathon bombing is such a reminder about the delicacy and strength of our human fabric.  I, like many others, search for answers, for comfort, for unity.  Where do we go and what do we seek when things don't make sense? When evil catches us off guard? When our souls yearn for answers or peace?  I found myself looking up quotes that I might find of comfort. A pretty common and brilliant one posted by many was that of Fred Rogers about looking for the rescuers...those that care during times of tragedy.  I thought about clergy and wondered if they'd have some words of wisdom to make sense of it all.  I sat and listened to our President yesterday yearning for a message of strength and hope. Where's Superman?  Well, look in the mirror and put on your cape people because it's you...it's me...it's everyone with an ounce of integrity.  Love, love, love, and love!! If the greatest commandment is love then do it!!  It is not written that we must love unless....it is written that we must love one another!!  People did that in Boston, after 9/11, after Newtown, after Oklahoma City, after you name it since the beginning of time we have been doing it After.  They didn't walk up to people that were hurt and ask them to pull out their identification about what they believed about politics, religion, race, sex, vegan, meat eater, or lover of cupcakes before they assisted them.    I pledge to stand by anything that stands for love and apply that same screening to help during times of crisis to my everyday life.  I wasn't made for this world for hate...that I don't want to take with me.  I want to love NOW and not just AFTER.  That's my work in progress goal...what's yours? 

My Random Top 10 Thoughts

Things that have randomly bugged me or been on my mind as of late:

1) Whoever stole 5.5 tons of Nutella in Germany...Genius!!

2)  Ok, there's Thatcher and Funicello...there's always 3 so, still waiting...if it's ever Willie Nelson...don't tell me...I'll lose it.  BTW...Britain and Disney lost some spectacular ladies!

3)  Kim Jong-un...hmm...now, he's a character isn't he?  I poke fun at him...but really, a man that controls and mind controls a country...should not be underestimated.

4)  Gun control...I'm no expert and I don't like guns but the way I see it...Whoever is holding the gun no matter how it is obtained...is in control.  I support universal background checks but I'm worried people won't seek treatments for mental illnesses that wouldn't cause them to massacre innocent people because of the stigma of losing a right to protect themselves.  I need more FYI on this matter.  Bills always seem to get passed without really detailing to the public what they mean.  The more you know...

5)  I spoke to a friend of mine today that was at the campus where the exacto knife stabbings took place yesterday.  She said it happened in front of her classroom.  That whole situation is in my thoughts and prayers. How can we prevent these things?  We have mandatory sex-ed classes, anti-bullying classes,  alcohol awareness classes, but do we need mandatory Mental Health awareness classes?  There's no shame in having a mental illness...there is shame in not doing something about it.

6)  I like The Talk way better than The View...someone please cancel The View.

7)  I miss Ann Curry on Today, so glad Dallas is on the air, please get rid of all the bachelor/bachelorette shows, and obviously I watch too much tv if I care about these things.

8)  How lovely it is to step away from the noise every now and then

9)  One day at a time.

10)  Teaching my daughter how to drive...not my strong point.

Calm Yourself Down!

The sound of your child at 2 a.m. struggling to breathe is nerve wracking for any parent.  Last night was one of those nights.  Bryant has had the fun of the croup that always requires an ER visit since he was a baby.  He hasn't had a spell since he was 2 and I was so hopeful he had outgrown it...but nope..not yet.  My other kids barked through the night but this little guy develops stridor, a very labored breathing which looks and sounds like he is breathing through a capri sun straw, along with his bark.  There was no warning before he went to bed, no illness, no cold...nada...just a sudden he's awake and he can't breathe.  Before I go any further...let me assure you he is fine now...all is well that ends well...but this is more of a blog about how everyone should have that, "Calm the crud down" kind of person in their lives...or at least one on speed dial.
Last night...Toby held onto Bryant while I threw on anything I found...pretty sure I tried to put my bra on the outside of my shirt...and the whole time I'm debating whether or not to call an ambulance as I know at this point I can get him to a hospital quicker than the ambulance can. Toby the whole time...calm...yet I know scared as heck...kept reassuring me to calm down or I'll scare Bryant and make it worse. These are the times I just wish Calgon would turn into a giant fairy, come down and swoop me away like magic! Grabbed my keys...and my kid...ran to the van...had to pull my dog out of the car as he decided he wanted to go with us and was being stubborn....I slammed the door and was so relieved when I saw Toby with shoes in hand open the passenger side door and climb in with me. As I drove he kept an eye on little man as I flashed my hazard lights and drove like a NASCAR driver to the nearest hospital.  All the while...Toby calmly.....yet inwardly freaking out over my driving skills,  reminds me that if I don't slow down and take it easy we are all going to get killed on our way there.  Pulled into the ER drive and they took us back during triage. Thank goodness! 
Three hours go by after breathing treatments, vomit, and steroids...and as I laid my head down on my pillow all I said was "Thank you Lord for the people in my life that help keep me calm in the storms."  I knew if my husband panicked....then there was something to panic about...because he is blessed with the cool head in our family. 
So, what have I learned?  A) Probably a good idea to have a central location to store middle of the night things you might need to take and wear with you in case of an emergency B) Have a designated Has to stay Calm person...and tag team if necessary C) Have at least a few people down on speed dial that you could call in the middle of the night and tell them you feel like robbing a bank...and they would either calm you down and talk you out of it....or join you! 

Silence was Golden

So, I gave up FB for Lent. It hardly seems a sacrifice in comparison to the 40 days and nights of temptation Jesus endured in the desert.  This is what I observed:

Wow! How nice it was to walk into a mall, movie theatre, come across random people or run into people I know out in the real world and not be shouted at about how they're right and I'm wrong about everything I believe.  There seems to be a tolerance in the real world that I really miss on the internet. 

I feel like every other movie I watched on my hiatus had Denzel Washington in it and Man...he is good!!  What can that man not be a good actor in?!  He had me crying in Flight....John Q...Antwone Fisher...and Philadelphia.  You could probably put him in a comedy with Robin Williams...and I'd cry about something he did in that movie too!

I read my Bible...and how I wished my pages were more worn than they are.  I read devotionals of love, nature, kindness, and peace. 

I stepped out of my thoughts to be silent and listen for a change.  No judgements...no thoughts of persecution...no self righteous indignation....just listened.  No prayer requests...no to do list for God...no wish lists....just didn't feel like talking...I just wanted to be present...

Lamentations 3:28 "Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him."

I logged into Pinterest... a lot...actually used a few recipes...it's a world for scary brilliant crafty people...like an underworld society for overachieving type A Better Homes and Gardens...Eat your heart out Martha Stewart...cult members ;)  I don't fit in...that's ok...the cult members still like me and let me hang around despite my flaws with Craftyligion.

I realized Asteroids were real...were aimed right at us...hit Russia...and everyone still went about their day.

I cleaned my house...then the kids trashed it again...and repeat...

Most importantly...I let go of some of my resentment toward God.  Awhile back I didn't want to participate in the Lent process....I was angry because I felt as if I had been spent spiritually as to how much more God wanted to sacrifice of me.  I felt like I had no more left to give...my sorrows were just too much already to ask...that the thought of "giving up" anything else made me feel bitter towards him.  What I found though for me during this Lenten season was that it wasn't about sacrifice at all...that was so tiny in the spectrum of things as I mentioned above....what I found was that it was an invitation from Him saying..."Walk with Me."

It was a good walk...

Let's Talk Mammograms Ladies

I had a mammogram today.  No, I'm not 40 yet.  I had some concerns and got this and an ultrasound done under my arm. Thankfully, all was fine.  Before I had this done I was a a bundle of nerves.  I'd never had this done and all I'd heard was horror stories and seen overexaggerated clips of them on t.v. dramas or sitcoms.  I just knew I would be the one who would get stuck in the machine and have my wonderful friends hold a community rally to get me out of it all the while laughing at me also. (Yes, I did joke about that with a friend of mine...also a mammogram novice). What are  girlfriends for other than to make you feel at ease about getting your check ups ;)? 
Let me tell you how it went...so you won't be a chicken turd like me.  I walked into a nice waiting room at a woman's center.  Simple but dainty looking. They had hot coffee, hot tea, water, and graham crackers available.  The staff was friendly.  Their bathroom said, "Powder Room" instead of restroom.  Motivational signs were hanging on the walls in pink.  I was met promptly by the radiology tech.  She had a pleasant smile and she directed me to an area to hang my clothes and drape myself with some gown looking shawl thing.  I looked around the room as she prepared this big scary looking machine before me.  In one corner was a white tree decorated with pretty breast cancer ribbon ornaments and had words like sparkle and shine on it.  On another wall were the words, "Believe" and "Courageous."  Pink ribbons were on the machine and all I could think of was that breast cancer is real.  It was something to believe in miracles for and to be courageous about.  I started to think of ladies I knew that had been diagnosed with breast cancer, all different ages, and how some survived and some didn't.  I had their brave faces with me in my heart today.   "Place your toe on the X on the floor," were the next words I heard.  Nope, didn't sit down for the mammo.  Then the tech guided me into place on the slab of the machine and I thought surely the thing coming down would squish me like a pancake.  Surprisingly, it was not at all that uncomfortable. Awkward, but not painful.  Held my breath for a still xray and on to the next awkward pose.  Before you know it...I was done...and off to the easy sonogram part which is not even worth mentioning that's how easy it was.  Well, other than the tech was kind enough to warm the gel first.
While I waited for the results I laid there and thought about all the women who laid there before me and prayed for them and for those who will be laying there after me.  I don't know what their diagnosis will be or what it was but it made me feel like as the common ground of womanhood it felt natural to me to just say a thought or prayer of peace for them.  So, this all being said, listen to your body, even if you think you are nuts. Mine turned out to be nothing to worry about funky lymph nodes. "Mammograms are really sort of a gift. You can either catch something early or count your lucky stars because nothing was discovered. Either way, you're ahead of the game."- Charlotte Ross. 

Hobby the Lobby or Lobby for Hobby?

I read an article on CNN today about Hobby Lobby facing fines for going against Obamacare.  Well, ok, I get it...we all get fined when we don't follow the laws so that didn't really bother me.  This is a difficult topic for me to cover because emotionally it's a tough one.  My mother was a type I diabetic.  She was advised not to have my sister and I.  In fact during her pregnancies it was suggested that she abort.  This is a case where the mother's life was definitely in danger and quite honestly I am still just amazed that she went through with the pregnancies.  As a result of the pressures from pregnancy she developed complications that later led to her early death at age 32.  For the longest time I was a Pro-Life voice that had no problem with people standing on the side of the road holding a sign about saving babies kind of person.  That was me.  I felt like I owed it to my mother on a personal level to be that person. The judgemental one when it came to that.  Well, life lessons change us sometimes. I'm still about saving babies but my judgemental attitude about it has been way more tamed now than what it used to be.  I remember working for a catholic based hospital after I had my son Isaac. I was supposed to have had my tubes tied after he was born but because he was a preemie the doctor advised against the procedure....so, yes...we had Bryant 5 years later.  Tubes were tied then.  Ok, back to my point.  After I had Isaac I was in no way interested in having another child because the whole ordeal scared me so much. My lung collapsed etc., I was in ICU, I basically almost died.  When it came time to get on birth control pills my insurance denied me the coverage. I needed a special brand due to some of the other benefits it offered so it was a pricey prescription for a middle class income family.  I remember feeling angry and outraged that the nuns wouldn't agree to pay for my birth control.  Did they not understand that pregnancy wasn't necessarily a good thing for everyone? They were on the board of a hospital that takes care of people....and I guarantee not everyone who walked in that hospital was there for illnesses that couldn't have otherwise been prevented had they not been "sinless."  So, why was I being punished I thought? I'm a married woman just trying to be affordably responsible.  Well, I forked out the monthly expense begrudgingly and carried on.  Did this change the fact that I was pro-life? No.  Then later...the big whammy...consider having to make the choice about disconnecting life support?  Well, guess what?  I had to make that choice for my Dad and it was the most difficult and most painful decision I have ever made in my entire life.  I live with the pain of that decision always...not because I feel like I made the wrong one but no human should ever have to be put in that position to do that.  It took a painful amount of love to do it.  So, imagine my disgust and sadness when I realize that the Pro-Life Movement doesn't support  those kind of decisions.  I felt judged and questioned my own beliefs.  It is not something someone wants to have to carry a burden of to begin with. While, personally, it is my opinion that abortions shouldn't ever be used as an alternative to birth control I feel that the Pro-life movements views on end of life decisions has clouded the topic even more.  Can you be pro-life with grace?  I think so.  I believe you can be. The bottom line is everyone doesn't walk in the same shoes.  So, Hobby Lobby doesn't want to pay for abortion inducing drugs? Fine...it's a conscience thing. I get it.  I'm not going to quit shopping at places that choose not to go against Obamacare's mandates just like I'll probably continue going to Hobby Lobby for insane reasons like I feel like being crafty that day. Whatever! I'm not crafty for the record...but just in case.  Here's how I feel though...they have the right to fight for what they believe in.  Everyone does. If they don't want to carry a burden that would in some way make them feel responsible for ending the life of another human being then I respect that.  That burden can be too difficult of a burden to bear.  There are far more other companies that are not going against the Obamacare mandates when it comes to this issue.  I also worked for other companies that did pay for birth control. What are we trying to prove if we mandate Hobby Lobby to go against its beliefs? Their rights should be just as protected as those making the decision to abort.  I hate that anyone has to make decisions about abortions or life support.  The thought of abortions makes me very sad but so does disconnecting life support.  I'll be anxious to see how the case ends up with Hobby Lobby.  Just throwing out some food for thought.

The Seeds We Sow

I went to a community group where we read the Parable of the Sower and the Seed (Matthew 13:1-23).

"On the same day Jesus went out of the house and sat by the sea. 2 And great multitudes were gathered to Him, so that He got into a boat and sat down; and the whole multitude stood on the shore.

3 Then He spoke many things to them in parables, saying: “Behold, a sower went out to sow. 4 And as he sowed, some seed fell by the wayside; and the birds came and devoured them. 5 Some fell on stony places, where they did not have much earth; they immediately sprang up because they had no depth of earth. 6 But when the sun was up they were scorched, and because they had no root they withered away. 7 And some fell among thorns, and the thorns sprang up and choked them. 8 But others fell on good ground and yielded a crop, some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty. 9 He who has ears to hear, let him hear.”

I struggled with this scripture. I think because, although, it mostly describes the results of the seeds and the ground it lands on, I had to put myself in the sower's position. My mom used to say two phrases repeatedly throughout her life, "You can't go so far that your tail won't catch up to ya" and "You reap what you sow." She was totally right about the first phrase. That tail has a way of whipping a sting on you once it does catch up and it does...it always does. Ouch! I always had a hard time understanding and taking responsibility for the latter phrase. "You reap what you sow." My conservative views have me believe that everyone is responsible for themselves and "I am not my brother's keeper" so to say. Well, I think that's true to an extent but how I treat someone is what I sow. If I'm critical all the time about someone then what I've planted is a seed that blossoms insecurity, apathy, and mistrust. If I am always yelling at my kids I've planted a seed that makes little flowers yell back. No one buys those at the floral shop. It is so much harder though to get the good seeds I plant to grow it seems. Kindness, love, acceptance, while these seeds are appreciated it is more difficult to see their growth especially when these seeds don't take root, fall by the wayside, and are devoured by wickedness because these seeds aren't understood. Sometimes we plant good and bad seeds and we just don't know exactly what we are going to reap. If we are lucky the good seeds will take root and flourish. Not all good seeds flourish and that's what I struggle with. I struggle with the exhaustion of taking the effort to plant good seeds and not seeing the crop I expected. I remember riding in a tractor with my grandpa on his land. That man worked really hard on that soil and taking care of those cattle. There was no doubt that he gave 100% to his crops etc. Even though he painstakingly did all that was right, in the end when it came time to harvest or take the cows for slaughter there was no guarantee that he was going to be paid fairly for his labor. Mother nature worked against him yet he would still plow and plow. Calves died sometimes and cows weren't always prize-winning material. Yet, he'd go on and loved his work. It's as if he knew that was part of the job. You win some...you lose some...no matter how hard you work to win. So, "You reap what you sow." Well, not always I don't think but it's always better to plant the good seeds just in case. Maybe that's what Mom meant.

Restorative Art

I have begun another quarter in my Funeral Services studies.  Here's my list...Forensic Pathology, Embalming, Restorative Art, Mortuary Law, and Funeral Merchandising.  All interesting topics.  The one I am intimidated the most by is Restorative Art.  I have never had any art skills whatsoever.  If you think this is just about putting makeup on little old ladies when they pass away...you are wrong.  I wanted to believe this was all that was involved in this process but I knew when I got into this that it wouldn't always be the case.  The restorative art process is essential in providing service for family members that will receive one last viewing of their loved one.  I will leave out a lot of details out of respect.  I will say that it can be a very lengthy process.  Funeral directors are given tasks sometimes with not a whole lot to work with.  This is just a fact of life and death.  They must do their very best to be able to restore for the sake of the decedant's loved ones.  Sometimes, this takes, shaping, molding, special cosmetics, time, etc.
Then, I get to thinking.  Restorative art...hmm...how many times do we throw away our good parts while we are living because we don't want to take the pain staking effort to restore our lives or help restore the lives of others?  How many times do we say, "Oh, that is not my problem, or Oh, that will take way too long?" How many times do we excuse ourselves from lending a helping hand or even a smile because we pass instant judgement? 
I heard someone say recently in reference to a church that caters to mostly recovering addicts that, "The people really loved going there because everywhere else they've gone they have felt judged and turned away." Really?!  I'll never forget the time my husband walked into a church in a little West Texas town wearing a nice shirt and a pair of jeans and to our disappointment the pastor walked up to him and said, "How nice of you to get dressed up for church."  I walked out of church that morning heartbroken but thankfully, I know that Jesus doesn't care if I pray to him in my pajamas or if I wear jeans to church or not. He just wants me to show up for "duty." Others are not so fortunate. What if that had been the first time I had ever gone to church or what if someone's soul needed  more restoring than their pants?  Jesus was not given a crown of jewels on this earth, he was given a crown of thorns, wore sandals, and came from humble means. Just for a side note, my husband works for a church today and no not every church gives out those negative vibes.  I go to a service there and wear jeans loudly and proudly. I have sung  "How Great Thou Art" in my Levi's!
We all have our broken places and know others that are broken. Those places can be ugly.  The scars can be long.  The restorative process can be long, the journey difficult, and sometimes it feels like there isn't a lot to work with, but the art worthwile. 

Random thoughts from a Mortuary Student

On my journey to becoming a funeral director/embalmer I've thought about a few things. Isn't it ironic that in death we are all equal?  Death doesn't pick favorites, could care less about what social class we are in, how old we are, who we worship, who we love, who we voted for, and the list goes on.  I think it's interesting that the only thing that separates us in our perceived notions of what is good and what is bad is before we are born and when we die. It's the in between we call and accept as a life that we can see, that we can grasp, it's our reality because why?...Because we can see and feel it.  From the moment we are born we are in some way or another classified. Is it human nature or a flaw in our nature?  Some are born to riches and some are born to poverty and then there's those in between folks, like myself.  We become dependent on our surroundings and cling to those who nurture us along the way. Most often, adopting a lot of the same ideals and philosophies as those we are in closest contact with.  Everything we sense with our senses becomes intertwined with what's within us and how we process that becomes our reality and our perception. Why does it become so important for us to out class each other or rather out do each other?  I think the answer is simple. It is instinct.  I like to think of a line from Steel Magnolias when Clarie says, " The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize."  How does instinct survive?  Look at the lion and it doesn't take much to figure out that even he in the most natural of places in the world is, "King of the Jungle."  I can't tell you for certain what goes on before life and after death in an intangible aspect.  I think that's an individual journey.  What I wonder is who really does get the last laugh? The "King of the Jungle" will die one day and then what? Well, maybe Mufasa said it best, "  Yes, Simba, but let me explain. When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so we are all connected in the great Circle of Life."

Adopting a Senior Dog

I was the one who laughed at people that cooked for their dogs. Then, one day...I found myself cooking ground hamburger meat for mine as a special treat. I even gave him his own chicken breast cut up into small pieces when I cooked a meal for the family. Who in the world had I become?! I am now one of those crazy "animal lovers" I had alwys poked fun at.

Once upon a time...I thought maybe we have been doing this dog thing all wrong. We would start off with a cute puppy and then said puppy would chew on everything including ripping off my screens on my windows. Puppies are a lot of work. Big puppies are even a lot more work. So, it dawned on me. Old dogs are past that puppy phase and so why not give it a try.

So, I loaded up the kids one day and headed to the pound. I was hoping to get a tamed, fat, lazy dog that I had seen in an ad the day before that was at the pound. I knew the kids would be scared walking into the area where the bigger dogs were because they all barked and it was a little unneerving and scary. I thought I'd warm them up in the puppy room clearly indicating we weren't getting a puppy. My daughter has never been a lover of pets. When I tell you that she passed by little chihuahas and puppies without even a sense of, "Oh, how cute!" that is true. Then, there was this little scrawny Maltese that looked at Amber and it was unlike anything I had ever seen. It was love at first sight!! Amber begged and begged and I knew it would be a hard sell to her Dad who wanted an older but bigger dog. Long story short...Amber won (Daddy's girl).

We learned that Frosty's owner had died and Frosty had nowhere to go. We also learned he was a Senior Dog, a little over 10 years old. He is set and spoiled in his ways. I'm sure he knows my every thought ;) He is the best lap dog and cuddle in bed dog ever! If he thinks you are taking him out for a walk he starts chasing his tail in circles. He makes you cook for him sometimes ;)

I often wonder about his previous owner. It is obvious this person loved and cared very much for this dog. The dog has trained us and not the other way around. I wonder if Frosty misses his owner sometimes. I'm convinced he does. Adopting a Senior Dog has been the best thing our family has done pet wise. People ask, "aren't you worried he'll die on you soon?" I've been told that I'm "Doggy Hospice" adopting a much older dog. The answer is, no, I think more people should adopt older dogs. They deserve to live out the rest of their lives in happy homes. Just because they're old doesn't mean their time has passed. My "Old Dog" is very wise. He's like Yoda Dog.

Consider adopting an older pet. They're more interested in cuddles than doing strange things to your leg. Besides, it's kind of fun saying, "Shady Pines" when he does something he's not supposed to be doing like leaving a little gift on the rug on occasion big enough for "Google Earth" to see, so my husband says.